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THE LORE OF GURT SWAMPINGTON Deep beneath the internet—past the dead group chats, abandoned wallets, and forgotten memes—sits Swampington Marsh. That’s where Gurt lives. Nobody knows exactly what Gurt is. He claims he’s a “market professional,” but he can’t read charts, forgets his passwords, and buys everything approximately three minutes too late. Somehow, he always survives. When the market crashes, Gurt stares at it. When everything starts mooning, Gurt was already there—he just didn’t know why. He has no strategy, no roadmap, and absolutely no financial advice. All Gurt has is one crooked tooth, two suspicious eyes, enormous swamp feet, and unreasonable confidence. Gurt doesn’t chase the market. The market eventually wanders into his swamp. Stay suspicious. Stay swampy.